The Sadistic Voodoo Masseuse

We all love a good massage, right? And it if involves chocolate ~ heaven!

Unfortunately I didn't get any of the above. It started innocently enough. Me, naked on a warmed bed covered with lightweight, heated blankets. Sounds great so far, what could possibly go wrong? After a long week, emotionally and physically, I was looking forward to my Swedish massage. An easy, non-invasive manipulation of my body that would leave me feeling like jello. Bliss.

The only problem was that I didn't get a Heavenly Swedish Masseuse. Instead, I got the Sadistic Voodoo Masseuse. *Insert scary movie music here*

The first inkling my massage might not be all it promised came when the SVM started pressing down on me with her forearms. She kneaded my upper butt, telling me all of my brain's nerves ended right there. Above my butt. I remember thinking that was interesting, I'd have to Google it when I got home. My brain ended in my butt, it was funny.

Then my ever-loving SVM says to me, “Your body is calling out for a deep tissue massage. You'll get a bonus today.”

Deep tissue? That means pain. At that point, I should've run, naked and screaming, from the room.

But for some asinine reason I stayed.

For the next several minutes, five? Ten? I tried to think happy thoughts as she crushed my brain's nerve endings with her forearms.

When the torture ended on my back, she says to me, “I'm going to pull your hair now.”

What? Pull my hair? Are you going to spank me, too? Did I sign up for the Fifty Shades massage by mistake? Pull my hair???

Yep. She did. Little tufts at a time that didn't really hurt, but certainly didn't feel relaxing and jello inducing.

Thankfully, this only lasted a minute before she moved down my body.

Thinking there wasn't possibly anything she could do to my legs, I took some deep breaths and relaxed into the bed.

After some relaxing massage on my legs, she took my foot in her hand. Warning! She started in on the scar from my foot surgery. I told her it hurt, to stop, but she thought she could ‘help' move the scar tissue. I told her she could try, but my foot would be firmly planted in her esophagus in a matter of seconds.

Smart woman, she decided to move on. I was just starting to relax again when she said, “I'm going to stretch your leg then frog you.”

Frog me?

What the hell is FROG ME?

I've had many massages in my lifetime and I couldn't recall ever being frogged. Would I like it? Would it hurt? Would I want to eat flies when she was finished. About this time I began wondering about her otherworldly beliefs. She'd mentioned several times how spiritual she was, how she called on ‘others' to guide her hands, etc.

Apparently the spirits told her I needed to be frogged.

She pulled on my leg, stretching it out (which felt kind of good, actually), and then she bent it up so my heel touched my butt. You know, where my brain nerves ended. Good thing I work out, or this might have really hurt.

After stretching, she took my leg and bent it out to the side. Ah! Like a frog's leg. Got it. Then she tried to shove my bent leg up under my arm pit.

Interesting. So that's what frogging is. Not too bad, but not exactly relaxing.

As expected, I got to experience the joy of frogging on the other leg and then she told me to turn over.

Oh. My. Heck. What special kind of hell would she wreak on my front side? She better not even think about cowing me!

Apparently she's a back girl, because my front got very little attention. She did a nice massage to my shoulders and chest, then tapped my face a few times. Yes, tapped it. Here's where I started to think she was into voodoo magic because of the strange placement of her fingers and the muttering under her breath, which wasn't terribly sweet, I might add.

When she headed on down to my feet, I was apprehensive and giddy at the same time. I adore a good foot massage. I settled in for an amazing experience. You can pull my hair and frog me all you want as long as you give good foot.

Prepare to be disappointed!

After a few foot twirls, she pulled on my legs again and then pressed my legs up in what can only be described as a sexual position from the Kama Sutra. Who knew I was so flexible?!

After spinning and manipulating both legs in ways best left in the bedroom, I thought I'd survived the punishment and would, in fact, escape mostly unscathed. Until she decided to give me another ‘bonus'.

She liked me so much she wanted to leave me with a bowel adjustment.

A freaking what?

Bowel adjustment.

I don't know if I should laugh or cry at this point. She starts using those much too strong forearms on my stomach, pushing in a circular direction, telling me that what she's doing is great for my digestion, but might give me diarrhea. Great! There goes my romantic night with the husband!

I didn't think it could get worse until she says to me, “I found it. You've got a large feces right here. I'll help it out.”

No dear god, please don't!

Thankfully, my body ignored her ‘help' until I got home. It took three pain meds and some chocolate chip cookies from my husband to relieve the pain left over from her ‘bonus' massages. Lesson learned. If I ask for a Swedish and she wants Voodoo, I'm going to request another masseuse. Immediately!

Have you ever had an experience like this? Would you have stayed? Did you call and complain to the manager? What's the wildest thing that's ever happened to you naked (that wasn't sexual)? Share with us, we need to know!  

98 thoughts on “The Sadistic Voodoo Masseuse”

  1. Coleen PatrickColeen Patrick

    That is crazy Tameri! I am not a big fan of massages–I just can’t relax, but I have a tendency to defer to the “expert.” But the bowel adjustment would’ve freaked me out. And the hair pulling. I think I would’ve started thinking I was getting punk’d!

    September 11, 2012
  2. Trish Loye ElliottTrish Loye Elliott

    I’m sorry that your massage turned into an extreme sport (but it gave me a chuckle this morning). It sounded like the most bizarre experience to have while naked!

    September 11, 2012
  3. Richard Snow - WriterRichard Snow - Writer

    This is bizarre. This woman was the regular masseuse, right? I just don’t know what to say. Except stay away from her.

    September 11, 2012
  4. EllieAnnEllieAnn

    hahaha! This is the funniest post I’ve ever read on massages. You told it so well! I’m still giggling!
    I absolutely hate massages, so even the jello inducing ones feel bad to me. I can’t imagine putting up with this one.

    September 11, 2012
  5. Louise BehielLouise Behiel

    Weird, Tameri. don’t let her touch you again. I go for a massage every week and I always have them work deep, to release the knots in my back but I’ve never had anything like this. too weird. Run if you see her. Run

    September 11, 2012
  6. AnonymousAnonymous

    that is hilarious and horrible all at the same time!!! Tell me where you were so I can never never be there!!!!

    September 11, 2012
  7. Melinda VanLoneMelinda VanLone

    Oh Tameri! I’m dying here lol. Why didn’t you stop her?! You’re paying good money to this person, if she’s making you feel uncomfortable tell her to get out lol. Still… no, I haven’t experienced a massage like that lol. Holy cow, I’m not sure what I’d have done if she told me she was going to frog me. I might have asked if it came with a happy ending lol. This woman is a freak… I hope you told someone about her. Think of the other unsuspecting people she’s doing that to! I’ve had deep tissue massage before, and while it hurt like h#ll at the time, it felt wonderful two days later. The knots actually went away and I could move my arms again. But I ASKED for the deep tissue…she didn’t just decide to do it and then add in voodoo lol.

    Oh my lol. Still picturing this….lol

    September 11, 2012
  8. Taryn Raye (@ScribblingTaryn)Taryn Raye (@ScribblingTaryn)

    Oh my….I honestly can’t say I’ve ever had that kind of experience, with or without clothes. I think you got me beat. I thought at first you might have gotten a hot chocolate rub down, talking sadistic voodoo and whatnot, but frogging? I always thought that was the middle finger knuckle you get if you speak while you’re jinxed- usually in the muscle of your upper arm or your shoulder or your thigh. You’re lucky that didn’t springboard you right off the massage table! 😉

    I agree with the others- if you see her again- RUN! Thanks for the snicker this morning. I needed it.

    September 11, 2012
  9. susielindaususielindau

    This is so funny Tammy! Although I ask for deep tissue massage, I have never gotten my bowels adjusted or any frogging! Hahaha!

    September 11, 2012
  10. Gayle CarlineGayle Carline

    OMG You poor thing! Okay, I’m laughing, but You Poor Thing! I haven’t had a lot of massages, but I’ve had some doozies. I used to go to a masseuse who was wonderful and gave just-deep-tissue-enough massages that left me all weak and gooey. Then I went to a day spa with a friend and ordered a massage. Veekee from Ro-MAY-nee-ah poured oil all over my body then pounded me for an hour, until I wanted to confess to every major crime. She pressed all the knots from my neck and shoulders, including the one at the base of my brain that made me see stars when she did it. I went home and took several Advil and a shower to get the oil off (she even got it in my hair). Dale asked how it was and I told him, “Veekee from Ro-MAY-nee-ah tried to KEELL me.” I thought that was bad until I decided to try a hot stone massage. I didn’t understand that they actually POUND you with the stones. Live and learn. Now I look on the menu for “just-deep-tissue-enough” services.

    September 11, 2012
  11. Natalie HartfordNatalie Hartford

    YOU poor thing!!! That is the most insane thing I’ve ever heard. I am not an expert by any means but what few massages I’ve had, have never had ANY of the above mentioned. Frogging? Bowel Adjustment? OMG!!
    I was busting a gut laughing OUT LOUD girl…but at the same time, cringing for you!! OUCH…

    September 11, 2012
  12. Julie CatherineJulie Catherine

    OMG Tameri, I should have known by the title NOT to drink my coffee while reading this! LOL! I love the way you talked about your experience – it was like you were sitting right here with me … and I was laughing so hard that tears were running down my face and I had trouble staying in my chair! This is freaking hilarious! (So sorry about your voodoo masseuse abuse, but I can’t stop laughing.) Before I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and they found out my spine was degenerating, my docs thought massage therapy would help … NOT! I was actually in tears, and that was with the most gentle masseuse they had. Poor woman, I think I gave her a complex. Now we understand why fibro and massage don’t often work well together (it depends on the patient) – some days even my clothes hurt me, let alone anyone actually touching me! Thanks so much for the humor this morning; it was much needed! LOL! ~ Julie 🙂 xox

    September 11, 2012
  13. Jennifer Carlevatti AderholdJennifer Carlevatti Aderhold

    Tameri, that is breathtakingly funny and scary! Oh. My. God. Now, I’m fortunate to get massages fairly often because of an ongoing membership my Mother gave me to Massage Envy.

    That is totally bizzarro world. Now I’ve had the frog thing done (didn’t know it was called that) and other manipulations that I WANTED. She sounds like a total fruit loop. I would have shared my experience with manager. But, hey, ya’ got a good story out of it :-)…

    September 11, 2012
  14. Mr. August Aka Natalie Hartford's Hubby.Mr. August Aka Natalie Hartford's Hubby.

    Note to self …..self! Do not read Tameri’s posts while eating mac and cheese…..I have noodles up my nose …all over the counter top and my phone…sending you Voodoo love!

    September 11, 2012
    • Julie CatherineJulie Catherine

      Hahaha! Best not to eat or drink anything while reading Tameri’s posts – I keep forgetting and learn the hard way every time! LOL! 😀

      September 12, 2012
  15. MarciaMarcia

    You poor girl! It’s a funny story, but in reality, it must suck, big time! I imagine you kept thinking it would be okay and not as weird as it sounded. Oh HELL NO!! I would not have stayed! I would have used one of those offensive business cards Natalie has on her blog, and jumped off the table yelling like a banshee to get her out of the room!
    I love the idea of massages and have had a couple, but really I’d rather have a relaxing one from my hubby. I do love getting a facial, though, because they come with a hand and foot massage! No more Swedes for you!

    September 11, 2012
  16. EmmaEmma

    Oh you poor thing, what a disappointment. I’m the suffer in silence type too, so I probably would just stick it out, and never, ever go back to her again.
    Choc chip cookies – your husband is a good man.

    September 11, 2012
  17. Kristy K. James...Living, Loving, LaughingKristy K. James...Living, Loving, Laughing

    Wow… I just don’t think I can say anything except LOLOL…and I’d have a bit of a chat with the manager. Would I have spoken up? Depends on the day. But I’ve learned that money doesn’t grow on trees (darn it!), therefore I expect to get what I pay for. If I don’t specifically pay for frogging and diarrhea, I don’t want it, thanks very much. 🙂

    September 11, 2012
  18. Lissa ClouserLissa Clouser

    Holy Cow. O.o I mean your post made me laugh quite a bit, but then again, I’m so sorry you had to go through it! I would have been asking for money back or a huge discount off my next encounter (with a very different masseuse). May your next massage be the relaxing one you hope for!

    September 11, 2012
  19. David N. WalkerDavid N. Walker

    Thanks for letting us all laugh at your expense, Tameri. No bad massage experiences here, but I have been guilty of letting an acupuncturist stick needles into my back and shoulders. Actually, she was doing what she was supposed to – it just didn’t help. You masseuse needs to be turned in to her boss or the police or someone.

    September 11, 2012
  20. Debra KristiDebra Kristi

    Okay, first, I’m sorry for laughing at your pain, but you delivered it in such a humorous way! Secondly, I have come out of a deep tissue message feeling a hundred times worse. I hope you said something. I don’t think it should be that way. I’ve never experienced anything like you have. That sounds insane and I worry about the woman you had. That was crazy bat s***! Oops. I got bleeped. :O

    September 11, 2012
  21. Rissa WatkinsRissa Watkins

    I had a masseuse who I had to breathe like I was in labor because she did such deep tissue massages. She frogged me too- but didn’t call it that. I think I have had the hair pulling.

    But, thought it was weird and hurt at the time- I felt so much better afterwards. I was even able to stop going to the chiropractor and just see her. She was awesome.

    I have never had the bowel thing. yikes. Cow you- that cracked me up!

    September 11, 2012
  22. MaLinda JohnsonMaLinda Johnson

    Oh dear! I would have complained at the first sign of pain and would have excused myself to speak to the manager at the hair pulling.

    September 11, 2012
  23. Reetta RaitanenReetta Raitanen

    What a scary and freaky experience. Ridiculous at hindsight and it’s great you’re able to laugh at it now. I think that the hair pulling is part of Indian head massaging tradition but usually that part comes in only after they’ve massaged the scalp throughout. It’s totally uncool for a masseuse to do anything the customer is uncomfortable with and she should have sensed your unease.

    September 11, 2012
  24. Karen McFarlandKaren McFarland

    He, he, he, Tameri! You had quite the experience girl! I guess if you were not expecting it, this type of massage could really throw you. My husband and I have had sessions like this. And it really isn’t voodoo, although I can see how it can be interpreted that way. “She kneaded my upper butt, telling me all of my brain’s nerves ended right there.” Now see, I have always believed that this statement was true. And it is the exact reason why parents over the many centuries gave their little ones a wack on the bottom, thus connecting their childs wrong-doing to the brain to make the point. LOL! Ah Tameri, you certainly got more than you paid for. I do hope that those chocolate chip cookies helped aleviate the pain! 🙂

    September 11, 2012
  25. Shannon EspositoShannon Esposito

    HOLY MOLY!!! Okay, this is why I have never gotten a massage! Being in the hands of a stranger while naked is not my idea of relaxing! Is this normal? So funny though, thank you for sharing your frogging and bowel horror with us! hehe

    September 11, 2012
  26. patriciasandspatriciasands

    H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S. – You need to include that scene in a book, girl! I put massages in the same category as naps … just no time for them when i could be doing something else. You just convinced me not to change my mind about them.

    September 11, 2012
  27. jansenschmidtjansenschmidt

    Oh Tameri! I have had a truly awful massage experience as well. I had bruises for a week, from a tiny Asian woman. I kept telling her to stop, but apparently in whatever Asian tongue she speaks that meant harder. I cried. Actual tears. I had no idea how to end the horrible experience gracefully.

    And the worst part – she left the door open!!! Not all the way, but cracked enough so that people on the outside could speak with her during my torture session. Yes, she had conversations with other small Asian women during MY massage. And she left me in the room alone, with the door open, to take a phone call! WTF???

    I think I got the frogging too, but due to the language problems she thought she was supposed to flog me. That’s what it felt like; flogging.

    I totally sympathize with you. It took several Motrin and a bottle of gin to cure me afterwards.

    Good Lord. I will never go back to that place again.

    Patricia Rickrode
    w/a Jansen Schmidt

    September 11, 2012
  28. kassandralambkassandralamb

    Tameri, this was so well written and comical! I hope turning the pain into pleasure (ours, at least) was healing for you. I was just telling my husband that I need to find a good mausseuse since my shoulders and neck are complaining about all the time I spend at the computer. I will be picking her very, very carefully, and telling her to keep her forearms to herself. No frogging, hair-pulling or bowel adjustments, thank you very much!

    September 11, 2012
  29. martinadaltonmartinadalton

    Best laugh I’ve had in a long time! (Sorry it was at your expense. 🙂 But boy, it was an entertaining read!

    September 11, 2012
  30. sydneyaaliyahsydneyaaliyah

    Hey Tameri, This is so hilarious and so relatable. I get a weekly foot massage here in China. It is the thing to do and it really helps when you spend a lot of time sitting at a computer. The muscles in my neck are connected to some spot on my foot. I swear. But, the first time I got one, the reflexologist as they are called hit a pressure point on my foot to hard and I kicked him in the face. It was a reaction. I didn’t mean it. I couldn’t control it. I still apologize to that guy every time I see him.

    September 11, 2012
    • Julie CatherineJulie Catherine

      LOL, omg, I couldn’t help it, I laughed! Kicking someone who’s torturing our bodies in the name of ‘wellness’ is probably something we’ve all wanted to do at some point … but you actually did it! In the face, omg, hahahaha! 😀

      September 12, 2012
      • sydneyaaliyahsydneyaaliyah

        I still feel bad, but I also never felt anything like that. It hurt.

        September 12, 2012
  31. donnagalantidonnagalanti

    Oh, just about died laughing! Sorry for your pain – but thanks for the LOL! I have NOT had such experience. I had a massage last month and I was transported to another place and damn near fell down when I got off the table. I floated out the door. My body had disconnected. Perhaps I was frogged and didnt know it!

    September 12, 2012
  32. Elena AitkenElena Aitken

    OMG! That post should have come with a disclaimer. I almost spat tea all over my computer. I hope you’re feeling better and seriously…you didn’t book another appointment with her did you?!

    September 12, 2012
  33. Jenny HansenJenny Hansen

    I’m a huge fan of massage. That being said, I’ve NEVER been frogged. p.s. Is this karma for you going to the spa without me? Hopefully not. You’d never have that experience with me in the next room – I’d be sending you bravery vibes through the wall. 🙂

    September 12, 2012
  34. Kate MacNicolKate MacNicol

    OMG Tameri, I can’t possibly add anything to the conversation but what if the person on the table was a massage newbie like me? Can you imagine? Thanks for a great laugh, you were a fearless woman! Please be on the lookout for that woman. Some serious bad magic goin’ on there.

    September 12, 2012
  35. MarianneMarianne

    I had a massage today and Elena told me to read this because I’ve decided I don’t do “relaxed.” I still don’t do relaxed but this helped me laugh!

    September 12, 2012
  36. August McLaughlinAugust McLaughlin

    Will you please perform that as a monologue? Wait—a VLOGologue?

    I feel like making some laxative cookies for that sexy masseuse dressed at chocolate sweetness. I’m so glad you got some hubby and cookie medicine afterward. Hope you’re getting plenty ‘o pampering still!

    September 12, 2012
  37. virginiaripplevirginiaripple

    OMW! I know we’re not supposed to laugh at someone else’s pain, but my sides are hurting now. I should know better than to read your posts at work. I think I was turning red trying to supress the laughter.

    I get a massage as part of my chiropractic therapy and, while sometimes it hurts when the massage therapist is working on knots, it always feels better afterward.

    I am so sorry you had such an bizarre (yet funny) experience. At least you have a great place to go normally–and no frogging allowed. 😀

    September 13, 2012
  38. My Book of StoriesMy Book of Stories

    I had a facial one time and nearly freaked out! Me – getting a massage – picture Diane Keaton in – oh goodness – what’s that movie with her and her three daughters? Well, that would be me if someone attempted a massage! I am crying from laughing so hard. What a great story but horrible adventure. Donna

    September 20, 2012
  39. Tracey LivesayTracey Livesay

    That was the funniest thing ever! ROTFLMAO! So funny. Wait, let me catch my breath! Whew! I have never experienced that type of massage (Thank God!) although I have had a few where it’s been that borderline pain/pleasure when I should have told them not too hard, but I didn’t want to speak up (I know, ridiculous- at least I used to think so, before this post.LOL)
    I think your 50 Shades of Grey massage would sell like crazy, but you might get sued. 🙂
    This was a great post, Tameri! Epic!

    September 26, 2012
  40. Steve (extension 128)Steve (extension 128)

    Wow, just wow. Seeing as how I am a Licensed Massahge Therapist, trust me that once you display (verbally or physically) any displeasure with any strokes/movements, etc., the therapist should’ve stopped performing said stroke. The massage is all about you. You’re the client. You’re not a guinea pig for the therapist to experiment on.

    November 13, 2012
  41. Kitt CrescendoKitt Crescendo

    Hi Tameri-I nominated you for Blog Of The Year…you are under no obligation to participate…but it is my little way of letting you know I appreciate you. 🙂

    December 31, 2012
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