The Sadistic Voodoo Masseuse

We all love a good massage, right? And it if involves chocolate ~ heaven!

Unfortunately I didn’t get any of the above. It started innocently enough. Me, naked on a warmed bed covered with lightweight, heated blankets. Sounds great so far, what could possibly go wrong? After a long week, emotionally and physically, I was looking forward to my Swedish massage. An easy, non-invasive manipulation of my body that would leave me feeling like jello. Bliss.

The only problem was that I didn’t get a Heavenly Swedish Masseuse. Instead, I got the Sadistic Voodoo Masseuse. *Insert scary movie music here*

The first inkling my massage might not be all it promised came when the SVM started pressing down on me with her forearms. She kneaded my upper butt, telling me all of my brain’s nerves ended right there. Above my butt. I remember thinking that was interesting, I’d have to Google it when I got home. My brain ended in my butt, it was funny.

Then my ever-loving SVM says to me, “Your body is calling out for a deep tissue massage. You’ll get a bonus today.”

Deep tissue? That means pain. At that point, I should’ve run, naked and screaming, from the room.

But for some asinine reason I stayed.

For the next several minutes, five? Ten? I tried to think happy thoughts as she crushed my brain’s nerve endings with her forearms.

When the torture ended on my back, she says to me, “I’m going to pull your hair now.”

What? Pull my hair? Are you going to spank me, too? Did I sign up for the Fifty Shades massage by mistake? Pull my hair???

Yep. She did. Little tufts at a time that didn’t really hurt, but certainly didn’t feel relaxing and jello inducing.

Thankfully, this only lasted a minute before she moved down my body.

Thinking there wasn’t possibly anything she could do to my legs, I took some deep breaths and relaxed into the bed.

After some relaxing massage on my legs, she took my foot in her hand. Warning! She started in on the scar from my foot surgery. I told her it hurt, to stop, but she thought she could ‘help’ move the scar tissue. I told her she could try, but my foot would be firmly planted in her esophagus in a matter of seconds.

Smart woman, she decided to move on. I was just starting to relax again when she said, “I’m going to stretch your leg then frog you.”

Frog me?

What the hell is FROG ME?

I’ve had many massages in my lifetime and I couldn’t recall ever being frogged. Would I like it? Would it hurt? Would I want to eat flies when she was finished. About this time I began wondering about her otherworldly beliefs. She’d mentioned several times how spiritual she was, how she called on ‘others’ to guide her hands, etc.

Apparently the spirits told her I needed to be frogged.

She pulled on my leg, stretching it out (which felt kind of good, actually), and then she bent it up so my heel touched my butt. You know, where my brain nerves ended. Good thing I work out, or this might have really hurt.

After stretching, she took my leg and bent it out to the side. Ah! Like a frog’s leg. Got it. Then she tried to shove my bent leg up under my arm pit.

Interesting. So that’s what frogging is. Not too bad, but not exactly relaxing.

As expected, I got to experience the joy of frogging on the other leg and then she told me to turn over.

Oh. My. Heck. What special kind of hell would she wreak on my front side? She better not even think about cowing me!

Apparently she’s a back girl, because my front got very little attention. She did a nice massage to my shoulders and chest, then tapped my face a few times. Yes, tapped it. Here’s where I started to think she was into voodoo magic because of the strange placement of her fingers and the muttering under her breath, which wasn’t terribly sweet, I might add.

When she headed on down to my feet, I was apprehensive and giddy at the same time. I adore a good foot massage. I settled in for an amazing experience. You can pull my hair and frog me all you want as long as you give good foot.

Prepare to be disappointed!

After a few foot twirls, she pulled on my legs again and then pressed my legs up in what can only be described as a sexual position from the Kama Sutra. Who knew I was so flexible?!

After spinning and manipulating both legs in ways best left in the bedroom, I thought I’d survived the punishment and would, in fact, escape mostly unscathed. Until she decided to give me another ‘bonus’.

She liked me so much she wanted to leave me with a bowel adjustment.

A freaking what?

Bowel adjustment.

I don’t know if I should laugh or cry at this point. She starts using those much too strong forearms on my stomach, pushing in a circular direction, telling me that what she’s doing is great for my digestion, but might give me diarrhea. Great! There goes my romantic night with the husband!

I didn’t think it could get worse until she says to me, “I found it. You’ve got a large feces right here. I’ll help it out.”

No dear god, please don’t!

Thankfully, my body ignored her ‘help’ until I got home. It took three pain meds and some chocolate chip cookies from my husband to relieve the pain left over from her ‘bonus’ massages. Lesson learned. If I ask for a Swedish and she wants Voodoo, I’m going to request another masseuse. Immediately!

Have you ever had an experience like this? Would you have stayed? Did you call and complain to the manager? What’s the wildest thing that’s ever happened to you naked (that wasn’t sexual)? Share with us, we need to know!  

98 thoughts on “The Sadistic Voodoo Masseuse

  1. Coleen Patrick

    That is crazy Tameri! I am not a big fan of massages–I just can’t relax, but I have a tendency to defer to the “expert.” But the bowel adjustment would’ve freaked me out. And the hair pulling. I think I would’ve started thinking I was getting punk’d!

  2. Trish Loye Elliott

    I’m sorry that your massage turned into an extreme sport (but it gave me a chuckle this morning). It sounded like the most bizarre experience to have while naked!

    1. Tameri Etherton

      It was an extreme sport, wasn’t it? Great way to think of it, Trish. Glad it gave you a laugh. Now that I think about it… yep, that was the most bizarre experience I’ve had while naked. I wonder what could possibly top it? :)

    1. Tameri Etherton

      As far as I know she was just a masseuse who worked at the spa. I’m staying far, far away from her! I usually go to this one spa in my village, but tried something new. Bad call. I’m sticking to the ladies I know and love. And who don’t hurt me.

  3. EllieAnn

    hahaha! This is the funniest post I’ve ever read on massages. You told it so well! I’m still giggling!
    I absolutely hate massages, so even the jello inducing ones feel bad to me. I can’t imagine putting up with this one.

    1. Tameri Etherton

      Thanks EllieAnn! That’s a huge compliment and I think I’m blushing.

      I usually adore massages. Like, I get all giggly just thinking about my appointment. After awhile this one became too surreal. I had to stick around to see what came next. It’s that morbid curiosity of mine.

  4. Louise Behiel

    Weird, Tameri. don’t let her touch you again. I go for a massage every week and I always have them work deep, to release the knots in my back but I’ve never had anything like this. too weird. Run if you see her. Run

  5. Anonymous

    that is hilarious and horrible all at the same time!!! Tell me where you were so I can never never be there!!!!

    1. Tameri Etherton

      I don’t think you need to worry about seeing her. She was in Irvine, so far from us. You’ll love everyone at the spa I gave you a gift card to. Trust me, they’re awesome and will never frog you. Unless you ask. ;)

  6. Melinda VanLone

    Oh Tameri! I’m dying here lol. Why didn’t you stop her?! You’re paying good money to this person, if she’s making you feel uncomfortable tell her to get out lol. Still… no, I haven’t experienced a massage like that lol. Holy cow, I’m not sure what I’d have done if she told me she was going to frog me. I might have asked if it came with a happy ending lol. This woman is a freak… I hope you told someone about her. Think of the other unsuspecting people she’s doing that to! I’ve had deep tissue massage before, and while it hurt like h#ll at the time, it felt wonderful two days later. The knots actually went away and I could move my arms again. But I ASKED for the deep tissue…she didn’t just decide to do it and then add in voodoo lol.

    Oh my lol. Still picturing this….lol

    1. Tameri Etherton

      Good questions, Melinda! First of all, it was a gift certificate, so I didn’t pay for it. Unless you count the tip (yes, I tipped her! I’m superstitious enough to think she’d put a hex on me if I didn’t), and even that was minimal.

      When she pulled my hair, I did refrain from asking if she was going to spank me or cuff me to the table and whip out a cane.

      With each new torture I kept thinking, ‘this can’t get more bizarre’, but it did. Then I started writing the blog post in my head, because everything is a blog post! It was so outlandishly crazy that I knew I had to share it with you.

      I did call the manager and explained that if someone just wants to feel like jello, then they shouldn’t have to take pain meds to relax. She was super sweet and understanding.

  7. Taryn Raye (@ScribblingTaryn)

    Oh my….I honestly can’t say I’ve ever had that kind of experience, with or without clothes. I think you got me beat. I thought at first you might have gotten a hot chocolate rub down, talking sadistic voodoo and whatnot, but frogging? I always thought that was the middle finger knuckle you get if you speak while you’re jinxed- usually in the muscle of your upper arm or your shoulder or your thigh. You’re lucky that didn’t springboard you right off the massage table! ;)

    I agree with the others- if you see her again- RUN! Thanks for the snicker this morning. I needed it.

    1. Tameri Etherton

      With out without clothes! That’s funny, Taryn. I want that hot chocolate rub down now, that would be heavenly. I have never heard of the knuckle thing! I am super lucky her frogging didn’t do any permanent damage to my knuckles or any other part of my body. I’m hearing that getting frogged is actually common in massages. I guess in the future I need to be specific and tell them I want the non-frogging, non-voodoo, non-hair pulling, relaxing massage. Glad it gave you a giggle. It still makes me laugh to think about it all.

  8. Gayle Carline

    OMG You poor thing! Okay, I’m laughing, but You Poor Thing! I haven’t had a lot of massages, but I’ve had some doozies. I used to go to a masseuse who was wonderful and gave just-deep-tissue-enough massages that left me all weak and gooey. Then I went to a day spa with a friend and ordered a massage. Veekee from Ro-MAY-nee-ah poured oil all over my body then pounded me for an hour, until I wanted to confess to every major crime. She pressed all the knots from my neck and shoulders, including the one at the base of my brain that made me see stars when she did it. I went home and took several Advil and a shower to get the oil off (she even got it in my hair). Dale asked how it was and I told him, “Veekee from Ro-MAY-nee-ah tried to KEELL me.” I thought that was bad until I decided to try a hot stone massage. I didn’t understand that they actually POUND you with the stones. Live and learn. Now I look on the menu for “just-deep-tissue-enough” services.

    1. Tameri Etherton

      Veekee from Ro-MAY-nee-ah tried to KEELL me! Ohmigawd Gayle you made me laugh so hard when I read your comment. I love that – just deep tissue enough. That’s what I need to relax me from the frogging.

      What the heck spa did you go to that they pounded you with the rocks? I had a hot stone massage once and it was divine. They placed the stones on my back and gave me a soothing massage afterwards. It was bliss.

      I now know to look for the “just-deep-tissue-enough” services. Thanks!

      1. Gayle Carline

        The hot stone thing was on a cruise to Alaska. I thought it sounded divine. There are pictures of women with stones on their backs and disembodied masseuse hands working them over and it looks so peaceful. This woman put the nice warm stones down the middle of my back, then proceeded to take each one and massage me with it, as if her hands weren’t possibly strong enough to get the knots out of my chest THRU MY SPINE. By the time she got to my feet, it was pretty agonizing. I didn’t think my arches were that sensitive, but she made me want to kick her.

  9. Natalie Hartford

    YOU poor thing!!! That is the most insane thing I’ve ever heard. I am not an expert by any means but what few massages I’ve had, have never had ANY of the above mentioned. Frogging? Bowel Adjustment? OMG!!
    I was busting a gut laughing OUT LOUD girl…but at the same time, cringing for you!! OUCH…
    HUGS!!!!!

    1. Tameri Etherton

      I know, me either! It was too bizarre to be true, but the pain assures me it really did happen. I’m so glad you got a good laugh out of it, though. That makes it all worth it!

  10. Julie Catherine

    OMG Tameri, I should have known by the title NOT to drink my coffee while reading this! LOL! I love the way you talked about your experience – it was like you were sitting right here with me … and I was laughing so hard that tears were running down my face and I had trouble staying in my chair! This is freaking hilarious! (So sorry about your voodoo masseuse abuse, but I can’t stop laughing.) Before I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and they found out my spine was degenerating, my docs thought massage therapy would help … NOT! I was actually in tears, and that was with the most gentle masseuse they had. Poor woman, I think I gave her a complex. Now we understand why fibro and massage don’t often work well together (it depends on the patient) – some days even my clothes hurt me, let alone anyone actually touching me! Thanks so much for the humor this morning; it was much needed! LOL! ~ Julie :) xox

    1. Tameri Etherton

      Sorry about the coffee, Julie! You poor thing, having to suffer through the massages that they thought would help. Ouch! I’m glad I could lighten your morning, my friend!

  11. Jennifer Carlevatti Aderhold

    Tameri, that is breathtakingly funny and scary! Oh. My. God. Now, I’m fortunate to get massages fairly often because of an ongoing membership my Mother gave me to Massage Envy.

    That is totally bizzarro world. Now I’ve had the frog thing done (didn’t know it was called that) and other manipulations that I WANTED. She sounds like a total fruit loop. I would have shared my experience with manager. But, hey, ya’ got a good story out of it :-)…

    1. Tameri Etherton

      I’ve had some great massages from Massage Envy, your mom rocks for giving you the membership there. I never knew you could ask for these things, that is so wild to me. Like, people WANT this done to them? Crazy!

  12. Mr. August Aka Natalie Hartford's Hubby.

    Note to self …..self! Do not read Tameri’s posts while eating mac and cheese…..I have noodles up my nose …all over the counter top and my phone…sending you Voodoo love!

    1. Tameri Etherton

      Oh my, Scott! I’m so sorry, but the image that brings up has me laughing so hard. Noodles up your nose! Sorry about the phone. Oh my. You are such a crack up, thanks for coming by and sharing your hilarity with us. Voodoo love backatcha!

  13. Marcia

    You poor girl! It’s a funny story, but in reality, it must suck, big time! I imagine you kept thinking it would be okay and not as weird as it sounded. Oh HELL NO!! I would not have stayed! I would have used one of those offensive business cards Natalie has on her blog, and jumped off the table yelling like a banshee to get her out of the room!
    I love the idea of massages and have had a couple, but really I’d rather have a relaxing one from my hubby. I do love getting a facial, though, because they come with a hand and foot massage! No more Swedes for you!

    1. Tameri Etherton

      Those business cards Natalie had on her blog would’ve been perfect for this situation. I kept thinking it really couldn’t get any worse. Then it just got funnier. I mean, one or two things fine, but everything she did? There’s even stuff I didn’t put in the post because it was getting too long.

      I was thinking I needed to go to my regular spa to get a Swede just to erase the memory of this one. ;) And maybe a facial. I loooove facials.

      Yeah, that’s what I’m going to do!

  14. Emma

    Oh you poor thing, what a disappointment. I’m the suffer in silence type too, so I probably would just stick it out, and never, ever go back to her again.
    Choc chip cookies – your husband is a good man.

    1. Tameri Etherton

      You know, it’s weird. For being as outgoing as I am, I really do suffer in silence in these situations. In hind sight I should’ve stopped her right away, but it was just so insane everything she’d do, that I couldn’t stop wondering what personal hell she would find for me next. I think I need therapy. ;) Actually, I learned a huge lesson with this experience and the next time I will speak up. Immediately.

      They were the best chocolate chip cookies he’s ever made. Yum.

  15. Kristy K. James...Living, Loving, Laughing

    Wow… I just don’t think I can say anything except LOLOL…and I’d have a bit of a chat with the manager. Would I have spoken up? Depends on the day. But I’ve learned that money doesn’t grow on trees (darn it!), therefore I expect to get what I pay for. If I don’t specifically pay for frogging and diarrhea, I don’t want it, thanks very much. :)

    1. Tameri Etherton

      I did call the manager and explained that if someone just wants to relax, no matter how good the intentions, that’s what the masseuse needs to do. Just relax the client. No ‘bonus’ massages. I keep wondering if I’d paid for it if I would’ve said something. I’m not sure. It was just too bizarre and funny for me to stop. Thank goodness I didn’t get diarrhea because I had an hour drive home! And yes, the whole way I was a little nervous. I’m sticking with the spa by my house. They’re close, they’re awesome, and no one will frog me if I don’t want to be frogged. ;)

  16. Lissa Clouser

    Holy Cow. O.o I mean your post made me laugh quite a bit, but then again, I’m so sorry you had to go through it! I would have been asking for money back or a huge discount off my next encounter (with a very different masseuse). May your next massage be the relaxing one you hope for!

    1. Tameri Etherton

      I’m glad it made you laugh, Lissa! The manager offered me a free massage to compensate for my troubles. I said sure, but I’ll probably give it away to a friend and stick with the spa near my house. This one was quite a distance away, so I’m not there often. Which is a good thing! I don’t have to worry about seeing the voodoo lady. ;)

  17. David N. Walker

    Thanks for letting us all laugh at your expense, Tameri. No bad massage experiences here, but I have been guilty of letting an acupuncturist stick needles into my back and shoulders. Actually, she was doing what she was supposed to – it just didn’t help. You masseuse needs to be turned in to her boss or the police or someone.

    1. Tameri Etherton

      My pleasure, David! Acupuncture gives me the heebie jeebies. I know it’s supposed to be good for you, but needles make me woozy. Sorry it didn’t help you. You got stuck for nothing, which is a shame.

  18. Debra Kristi

    Okay, first, I’m sorry for laughing at your pain, but you delivered it in such a humorous way! Secondly, I have come out of a deep tissue message feeling a hundred times worse. I hope you said something. I don’t think it should be that way. I’ve never experienced anything like you have. That sounds insane and I worry about the woman you had. That was crazy bat s***! Oops. I got bleeped. :O

    1. Tameri Etherton

      I worry about her, too. That’s why I called the manager. I don’t have back problems or anything, but I started thinking what if I did? She could’ve done some serious damage with her ‘bonus’ massages. It makes me laugh too, so don’t feel bad for laughing at my expense! It totally was crazy bat shit. ;)

  19. Rissa Watkins

    I had a masseuse who I had to breathe like I was in labor because she did such deep tissue massages. She frogged me too- but didn’t call it that. I think I have had the hair pulling.

    But, thought it was weird and hurt at the time- I felt so much better afterwards. I was even able to stop going to the chiropractor and just see her. She was awesome.

    I have never had the bowel thing. yikes. Cow you- that cracked me up!

    1. Tameri Etherton

      Hey Rissa! Thanks for stopping in at the blog and commenting.

      Wow, so you felt better afterward? I think if I had, then it would’ve been fine. Alas, I felt worse. In fact, it’s four days later and I’m still feeling the twinges of pain from the massage. Bummer! I was hoping I’d be lighter and freer, but nope.

      I want your masseuse! That’s a bit of a drive for me, though.

    1. Tameri Etherton

      I know, I should have, but that darn curiosity! I just wanted to know how crazy she would get. Apparently, the hair pulling is normal some places. Who knew! Well, now I know to say I don’t want it. Thanks for stopping in and commenting, MaLinda!

  20. Reetta Raitanen

    What a scary and freaky experience. Ridiculous at hindsight and it’s great you’re able to laugh at it now. I think that the hair pulling is part of Indian head massaging tradition but usually that part comes in only after they’ve massaged the scalp throughout. It’s totally uncool for a masseuse to do anything the customer is uncomfortable with and she should have sensed your unease.

    1. Tameri Etherton

      Hey Reetta! It wasn’t ever scary while I was laying there, just bizarre. I think if there had been any real fear I would’ve grabbed those blankets and bolted from the room. Now I’m wondering if I gave any unease vibes. Probably, but she was too busy talking to her spirits to see/feel them. ;) At the very least, now I have an idea of what I DON’T want in a massage and can make sure I vocalize this before we get started.

  21. Karen McFarland

    He, he, he, Tameri! You had quite the experience girl! I guess if you were not expecting it, this type of massage could really throw you. My husband and I have had sessions like this. And it really isn’t voodoo, although I can see how it can be interpreted that way. “She kneaded my upper butt, telling me all of my brain’s nerves ended right there.” Now see, I have always believed that this statement was true. And it is the exact reason why parents over the many centuries gave their little ones a wack on the bottom, thus connecting their childs wrong-doing to the brain to make the point. LOL! Ah Tameri, you certainly got more than you paid for. I do hope that those chocolate chip cookies helped aleviate the pain! :)

    1. Tameri Etherton

      That’s wild about the butt spanking because it affects the brain! Makes sense, though. Those cookies were a god-send. My husband is so awesome and takes very good care of me.

      I know it wasn’t voodoo, but her accent and the way she was pressing my head just made my crazy imagination go there. I keep forgetting to google the brain and butt thing. Now you’ve got me very curious about the spanking, too. That will be some fun research today!

  22. Shannon Esposito

    HOLY MOLY!!! Okay, this is why I have never gotten a massage! Being in the hands of a stranger while naked is not my idea of relaxing! Is this normal? So funny though, thank you for sharing your frogging and bowel horror with us! hehe

    1. Tameri Etherton

      Never? Wow! I love massages (usually) and having strangers manipulate my body while I’m naked should bother me, but it doesn’t. I get so relaxed that I just don’t care if they see my flabby thighs. Glad you enjoyed the post!

  23. patriciasands

    H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S. – You need to include that scene in a book, girl! I put massages in the same category as naps … just no time for them when i could be doing something else. You just convinced me not to change my mind about them.

    1. Tameri Etherton

      That’s a great idea ~ for adding this to a book. That would be too much fun. No naps for you? Wow. I love naps. That’s where I get creative ideas or work through plotting problems. Seriously. I can dream write.

      Still, I totally get what you mean about massages and naps. They are time sucks, but so totally worth it to me. When I’m not getting frogged or my hair pulled. But hey! It gave me blog and book material, so it wasn’t a total waste.

  24. jansenschmidt

    Oh Tameri! I have had a truly awful massage experience as well. I had bruises for a week, from a tiny Asian woman. I kept telling her to stop, but apparently in whatever Asian tongue she speaks that meant harder. I cried. Actual tears. I had no idea how to end the horrible experience gracefully.

    And the worst part – she left the door open!!! Not all the way, but cracked enough so that people on the outside could speak with her during my torture session. Yes, she had conversations with other small Asian women during MY massage. And she left me in the room alone, with the door open, to take a phone call! WTF???

    I think I got the frogging too, but due to the language problems she thought she was supposed to flog me. That’s what it felt like; flogging.

    I totally sympathize with you. It took several Motrin and a bottle of gin to cure me afterwards.

    Good Lord. I will never go back to that place again.

    Patricia Rickrode
    w/a Jansen Schmidt

    1. Tameri Etherton

      What? Those tiny Asian women are powerful.

      “I kept telling her to stop, but apparently in whatever Asian tongue she speaks that meant harder.” This made me laugh so hard when I read it! Oh, you poor thing. If the door had been open, there is no way I could’ve relaxed. She left the room to take a call?

      Flogging. Yep, that’s what it felt like. I think I had the Nigerian version of your woman. Dang, but now we both know better. Thank the stars for motrin and gin. If I didn’t have pain meds left over from a surgery, that’s what I would’ve been drinking Saturday night.

      If you’re ever in my neck of the woods, we’ll go to my spa where they are all super nice and give you want you want, not what they think you need. No flogging or frogging allowed!

  25. kassandralamb

    Tameri, this was so well written and comical! I hope turning the pain into pleasure (ours, at least) was healing for you. I was just telling my husband that I need to find a good mausseuse since my shoulders and neck are complaining about all the time I spend at the computer. I will be picking her very, very carefully, and telling her to keep her forearms to herself. No frogging, hair-pulling or bowel adjustments, thank you very much!

    1. Tameri Etherton

      Thank you! It was very cathartic to write it out. I relived the pain, but in a more humorous way.

      You’ll have to let us know when you find a good one and if she thought you were crazy for saying, ‘No frogging, hair-pulling or bowel adjustments, thank you very much!’

  26. sydneyaaliyah

    Hey Tameri, This is so hilarious and so relatable. I get a weekly foot massage here in China. It is the thing to do and it really helps when you spend a lot of time sitting at a computer. The muscles in my neck are connected to some spot on my foot. I swear. But, the first time I got one, the reflexologist as they are called hit a pressure point on my foot to hard and I kicked him in the face. It was a reaction. I didn’t mean it. I couldn’t control it. I still apologize to that guy every time I see him.

    1. Julie Catherine

      LOL, omg, I couldn’t help it, I laughed! Kicking someone who’s torturing our bodies in the name of ‘wellness’ is probably something we’ve all wanted to do at some point … but you actually did it! In the face, omg, hahahaha! :D

      1. Tameri Etherton

        I totally laughed when I read this, too. That is so cute you still apologize to him. I wonder how many times a day/week they get kicked. I’ve heard about these massages and am told in Chinatown in Los Angeles they have the best ones. My mani/pedi lady told me she goes there every couple of weeks to get her feet rubbed. Mmmm, now I’m dreaming of a really good foot massage.

  27. donnagalanti

    Oh, just about died laughing! Sorry for your pain – but thanks for the LOL! I have NOT had such experience. I had a massage last month and I was transported to another place and damn near fell down when I got off the table. I floated out the door. My body had disconnected. Perhaps I was frogged and didnt know it!

  28. Elena Aitken

    OMG! That post should have come with a disclaimer. I almost spat tea all over my computer. I hope you’re feeling better and seriously…you didn’t book another appointment with her did you?!

  29. Jenny Hansen

    I’m a huge fan of massage. That being said, I’ve NEVER been frogged. p.s. Is this karma for you going to the spa without me? Hopefully not. You’d never have that experience with me in the next room – I’d be sending you bravery vibes through the wall. :-)

  30. Kate MacNicol

    OMG Tameri, I can’t possibly add anything to the conversation but what if the person on the table was a massage newbie like me? Can you imagine? Thanks for a great laugh, you were a fearless woman! Please be on the lookout for that woman. Some serious bad magic goin’ on there.

  31. Marianne

    I had a massage today and Elena told me to read this because I’ve decided I don’t do “relaxed.” I still don’t do relaxed but this helped me laugh!

    1. Tameri Etherton

      I totally know what you mean by you ‘don’t do relaxed’. I used to be like that, but somewhere in my years I just stopped being afraid to relax. Now I enjoy massages, but not if they involve frogging. I’m glad yours wasn’t anything like mine. Thanks for stopping in. Elena is a fabulous woman!

  32. August McLaughlin

    Will you please perform that as a monologue? Wait—a VLOGologue?

    I feel like making some laxative cookies for that sexy masseuse dressed at chocolate sweetness. I’m so glad you got some hubby and cookie medicine afterward. Hope you’re getting plenty ‘o pampering still!

    1. Tameri Etherton

      A mono-vlogologue? I don’t know about that, August! Laxative cookies, now that’a a brilliant idea. Hmm… you’ve got me thinking now!

      I just booked an appointment today with my favorite gal at my regular place, it will be some supreme pampering for sure.

  33. virginiaripple

    OMW! I know we’re not supposed to laugh at someone else’s pain, but my sides are hurting now. I should know better than to read your posts at work. I think I was turning red trying to supress the laughter.

    I get a massage as part of my chiropractic therapy and, while sometimes it hurts when the massage therapist is working on knots, it always feels better afterward.

    I am so sorry you had such an bizarre (yet funny) experience. At least you have a great place to go normally–and no frogging allowed. :D

    1. Tameri Etherton

      I am all for you laughing at my pain! That’s what makes the experience richer, so don’t feel bad for laughing. Sorry about the whole embarrassment at work thing. I should’ve had a disclaimer. Next time!

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    1. Tameri Etherton

      That is a great visual! I used to be like that, but now I can finally relax, which is strange because I’m a bit of a bigger girl. When I’m on that table, though I don’t feel big at all. I mostly feel like a puddle of goo, and that’s how I like it. No frogging, no ‘adjustments’, just goo. :) Thanks for stopping in, Donna. It’s great to meet another story teller.

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  37. Tracey Livesay

    That was the funniest thing ever! ROTFLMAO! So funny. Wait, let me catch my breath! Whew! I have never experienced that type of massage (Thank God!) although I have had a few where it’s been that borderline pain/pleasure when I should have told them not too hard, but I didn’t want to speak up (I know, ridiculous- at least I used to think so, before this post.LOL)
    I think your 50 Shades of Grey massage would sell like crazy, but you might get sued. :-)
    This was a great post, Tameri! Epic!

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  40. Steve (extension 128)

    Wow, just wow. Seeing as how I am a Licensed Massahge Therapist, trust me that once you display (verbally or physically) any displeasure with any strokes/movements, etc., the therapist should’ve stopped performing said stroke. The massage is all about you. You’re the client. You’re not a guinea pig for the therapist to experiment on.

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    1. Tameri Etherton

      Kitt! You are so sweet. Thank you so much. I’ll totally participate, but it might take me a week to get it together. I can’t believe how fast this year is flying by. :) Thanks again, Darling!

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